Monday, October 08, 2012

Dear Xerox Canada,

Thank you for taking the time to consider my resume, even though I don't have one.

MICROSOFT CANADA JOB HISTORY IBM

I have been programming Perl for eight years, on every business-appropriate platform there is, and I've been around long enough to understand that there are no human beings reading this.

PENTIUM APPLE PARAMOUNT STUDIOS GENERAL MOTORS ENGINEERING

You're a room of machines looking for keywords, the same way that my ISP searches for flagged keywords in my emails and lets the authorities know if I talk about certain subjects.

PERL, UNIX, LINUX, WINDOWS, PRIME MINISTER, PONY, MY PET MONSTER, MIKE DOUGHTY, DANCE, DANCE, DRUNK DRIVER, REVOLUTION, COBOL, PASCAL, ART, DECO, ADRIAN

So I could write anything I want, and your warrior robots will kindly index me because I mention HARVARD, because I mention MIT RESEARCH LABS, because I mention the YALE KNITTING CIRCLE. Your lead robot will look over the lists that the lower robots are churning out, and say, "There are too many, motherfucker! Sort them by year of graduation, and we'll take the youngest into consideration. They'll work for peanuts." All the robots will laugh in that horrific robot voice. And as long as I get the most hits from the search engines, you'll hire me.

GRADUATED IN 2004 GRADUATED WITH HONOURS JENNIFER LOPEZ HOSPITAL TERROR SUSAN GIRLFRIEND $insurance-name $3psn-vb-pst

So, I'll just load up this email up with keywords RELIABLE PERFECTIONIST LIAR LIAR PERL C++ C# C*&%^$% VISUAL BASIC AUDIO BASIC JAVA BeOS GENTLEMEN'S SOCIAL and in amongst all the keywords, will your robots find the real message?

I'm coming down there. I have a hammer and I'm going to use it to crack your robots' heads. I'm going to bust open the sides of your machines so that YALE PRINCETON NO CRIMINAL HISTORY BACKGROUND SEXUALITY CHECK RESULTS VOTED WHICH WAY spill out all over your shiny marble floor.


Joey Comeau

(Overqualified)